The Miracle of Relationships--a Series

Part One: Getting Along

You know relationships can be great and a source of real strength in our lives, but we don't always seem to get that: "Sometimes we get along and sometimes we don't...it's just the way of life isn't it?"....Yes, and No. Yes we get triggered and cope with each other; and no we don't have to be miserable in our relationships.

Getting along with those you are in relationship with, is really saying being Authentic with those people in your life that are important to you. Getting along is being out of our survival mentality, that I have referred to as your auto/protector self; AND getting along means not having them be the source of your distress.

How can that be? Our relationships are always the source of our distress! Our spouses don't do what we want, our boss is critical, our kids are disobedient, our friends are unwise, our parents...oh my...don't even get me started on that....Now, that I see it more clearly, what could I have been thinking...our relationships are just about the only thing that does trigger us; we have to cope with them, don't we?

Maybe. We want to believe that our relationships are truly the best part of being human. They can be the source of our strength, they can bring meaning to our barren lives, they can give us purpose and bring the best out of us...relationships are the stuff of legends and they are as necessary as breathing to the social animal we call humans. Our relationships are to be cherished and appreciated and embraced. We need to nurture them, and bring our compassion, kindness and understanding to them. Our relationships with those closest to us, are precious and a blessing to our lives...unless they aren't.

Sometimes they aren't...too bad...just the way it is....Maybe it's us, maybe it's them...who knows, but sometimes relationships suck. If we are to look at reality, more than half the time they suck...fifty eight percent divorce rate, kids out of control, sixty five percent of the population unhappy at work and everyone blaming their parents for how they were raised. Once in a while we see some noteworthy relationship, but if truth be told, most of the time relationships on any level just don't seem to work.

If you are struggling in any important relationship you are triggered and coping with that relationship. You are triggered and coping with it not because it is a difficult relationship, but because it reminds you of situations in your past that caused you fear, pain or loss. You are struggling because your perception of the circumstances in that relationship are clouded by your past. You need to wake up from your past fears, pain and loss and see the present for what it really is. That, of course, is far easier said than done.

Now, your little voice, (the one screaming in your head, "what the hell does he know about my horrible situation") may be doubtful that the only problems you have in your relationships are you living in the past and projecting the past into the future, and that's as it should be, but it is none the less, true. Your relationships depend on your exiting your pain and releasing from your fight/flight/freeze mentality. Your relationships and the joy and strength of connection depend entirely on your ability to see the truth in the NOW.

If you are struggling in any relationship; spouse, significant others, kids, parents, boss, co-worker, best friends, etc. you are locked in your own struggle of fear, pain and loss. You would do well to seek guidance from a Life Coach to address this struggle and face the reality of how you are creating the pain in your life. I know your auto/protector is telling you I am wrong, that the real problem is just as you have described it; bad spouse, abusive parent, wild kid, angry boss, etc. and you have all the evidence you will ever need that you are the victim of this situation...BUT...it just isn't so.

You are, at this point in time, the author of this situation and as bad a news as that is, the silver lining is...you ARE the author and as such you have the power to change it and release from it, and transform it to the joy, peace of mind and satisfaction you so desperately seek. You are one minute away from freedom and it begins when you choose to let go of the struggle and seek the counsel of others....Love the one's you're with, it's the beginning of a beautiful life...Until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...Your drama is the drama you are playing out in the hopes of solving some ancient hurt. Let yourself appreciate that the constant struggle you experience has a familiar feel and that at this point you are the primary suspect in the deal. Be at peace with it until it disappears.

An Action to Take: Try apologizing to someone for being triggered and coping with the situation. Tell them that you know you are not helping the situation because you are triggered and coping and ask them if they would help you understand what is really going on. Let them know that your upset is not about them, but about a situation in your life that you are afraid is happening again; and see if this opens a dialog in your relationship with that person.