Getting your Relationship Back on Track--What are you Pretending not to Know?

What ARE you pretending not to know? Your auto/protector consciousness, in its infinite wisdom to keep you safe, often uses reasonable deniability, rationalization and fained naivete to keep you from knowing what you know. If the knowledge would be painful then "not knowing" would protect you and the 'small price' of anxiety, depression, and lack of intimacy is worth the effort...or is it?

If you want a good relationship you will need to break the cycle of pretending not to know. You will have to put down the protection of your auto/protector self and allow yourself to re-emerge into a more authentic self aware state. What is going on in your relationship? Ask yourself that and then take a few deep breaths and begin your narrative. (Your little voice may give you a litany of, "how can I know, I trust my spouse, I don't know what he/she is feeling, everything is fine, etc., etc., etc.) The big fear here is that your spouse (lover, significant other) is the way they are because of you! Not so! Your relationship has lost intimacy because one or both of you has quit saying what is true in the moment. You or they have judgements, opinions or feelings that you are afraid to let the other person know about. (Your, or their, little voice is saying, "Well, I don't want to hurt them" but the truth is you don't want to be hurt by their reaction.)

Acknowledge your fear and then proceed on; what is happening in your relationship. Remember when you were a teenager and you saw a couple, you usually knew who was more 'into' the other--didn't you? Well, now you need to look; are you just putting in your time, or are you the one doing all the heavy lifting of the relationship? Is your spouse really wanting to make things better or is he/she oblivious to anything being wrong? Are you dissatisfied with 'things', but feel it doesn't do any good to talk about it, or does your spouse blow you off if you try to bring something up? Do you have a partner who is really willing to resolve the lack of intimacy...are you really willing to do what it takes to rediscover intimacy with your partner?

You can answer all of these questions without any input from your partner. You can also 'know' if you have a partner who is willing to do what it takes to return to real intimacy. (Remembering that if they don't, it is just THEIR fear driving it, NOT YOU!) If you or your partner are simply hanging around waiting for something better to happen you can know that too. The first step in getting your relationship back on track is discovering what track you're really on. Do you have a partner, or do you simply have someone who hasn't left yet? Man up (even if you're a woman) and face the truth and then begin...begin to tell the truth....

If you suspect you don't have a partner any longer then tell them that. Use the example of being a teenager and knowing that most relationships have one or the other who is more into the relationship. Tell them honestly what you would like...then tell them that you know at some level they know that and probably feel guilty because they are not giving it. Then ask them if they would like to rekindle real intimacy and face the real issues that are keeping you two apart. Let them know you expect to hear things you won't like, but that is part of the deal....

Then listen and hear what is beyond their words. If they want to work with you, you will know and if they don't (even if they say they do) you will know that too. Give them some time and yourself some time to let the new reality sink in...what is that new reality?? That you are no longer pretending to 'not know' what you know. Let yourself and them know by your actions that you are ready for real dialogue and unwilling to pretend.

Open the door for yourself and for them to walk through to a new more profound truth and intimacy. Discover in yourself what it is that they are struggling to tell you; or hiding from you...you already know what it is.... Speak from your heart, and stay centered past your anger, fear, and loss...love them for exactly who they are, even when that means they are no longer into you, love yourself and let them go...if they return to the relationship you will know truly how to love the ones you're with...next time we will deal with getting on when BOTH of you want to work on your relationship...until then, I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day: Joy can not exist without pain...intimacy cannot exist without separation...but wholeness of being is always and forever.... You are more than your fear and pain...YOU are love and harmony.

An Action you can Take...As you share your fear and pain with your partner allow yourself and them to know that it is your pain and they do not need to fix it. Own it and own that your shattered expectations are still yours and you will be responsible for your own well being.