Getting Your Relationship Back on Track--Part Two, Taking Turns.

What if you both really want your relationship to work, but still you find yourself struggling with resentments, upsets and feelings of not getting your needs met? If this is the case consider yourself extraordinarily lucky. So many people in relationships are locked into their despair and disgust that they no longer can find that part of themselves that holds the other person as precious.

If you have read the previous post and have arrived at the truth that both of you want to work out the issues in your relationship and you both know and trust that to be true then let's begin. You will both be doing a lot of apologizing for being in your fight/flight/freeze consciousness; not because you are wrong for being triggered; but because using fight/flight to solve relationship issues is hopelessly ineffective. Be prepared, and in fact, start this session with, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for making you the source of my distress; and I'm sorry for withdrawing my love appreciation and generosity." When you both can say this with heartfelt meaning then we can get on with the specifics of your drama.

What is it that bugs you about the relationship and about the way the other is 'being' in your relationship? You will need to take turns in this process with the point of it being to allow you to own them and release the other from being wrong. Be careful here! Notice how quickly it will trigger you and them as you begin to revisit the topics that are painful for you. Start each sentence with a past tense,(talk about the past in the past) "I have been making you wrong for; staying out late, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, nagging me, not being interested, financially, sexually, etc., etc., etc." Your partner can respond, "Yes, I know I have felt that. What does it mean to you when I am doing that or am like that?" Then you can express how those things are triggers in your life.

What is a trigger? It is a previous painful, or fearful experience of loss that your auto/protector now uses to react to 'similar' situations in your life. Similar is in quotes because the similarities do not need to be exact, any approximation will do. You will have painted your partner with the same brush as you used to react to your mother, or father, or the Meany down the street. You also use your childhood helplessness and sense of victim hood as part of the triggering equation. You are not a child any longer, but to your auto/protector you will forever be the victim.

When you act like a victim in your relationship then the only role you allow for your partner is unfeeling bully or persecutor. This will not tend to make them sympathetic to your complaint. So, your task is to own the fact that this situation in your relationship triggers you and you are unfairly making your partner your persecutor. Apologize...then let them know that from time to time you may continue to 'react' to this situation and ask for their patience and understanding.

When you have done one or two of your triggers then let your partner have a turn and reverse the roles. If you can do this without further facilitation you will notice a marked improvement in intimacy and respect. If you are still trapped by the feelings of being a victim and upset about the circumstances then you will need the support of a skilled Life Coach. Do not take that to mean you have failed...just about everyone 'needs' support when dealing with their triggers. It's a perfectly normal and natural process. Our auto/protector consciousness is powerful and determined to remain in control of these situations and having a third party who is uninvolved in the drama is often the only way to clear the upset.

Try it out...enjoy the process...and always remember...love the ones you're with, its on the road to salvation...until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day: Being terrified by life events is part of life, finding people to embrace in the face of your fear is a gift, being a person that others can share their burdens with is a life purpose for us all.

An Action YOU can Take...When faced with distress in your relationship know that your partner is feeling it as well. Ask them if they would like to share or listen first and allow them to choose which role. In this way you will have "gone first" by being the first to be ready to 'allow'.