Getting Your Relationship Back on Track--Part Two, Taking Turns.

What if you both really want your relationship to work, but still you find yourself struggling with resentments, upsets and feelings of not getting your needs met? If this is the case consider yourself extraordinarily lucky. So many people in relationships are locked into their despair and disgust that they no longer can find that part of themselves that holds the other person as precious.

If you have read the previous post and have arrived at the truth that both of you want to work out the issues in your relationship and you both know and trust that to be true then let's begin. You will both be doing a lot of apologizing for being in your fight/flight/freeze consciousness; not because you are wrong for being triggered; but because using fight/flight to solve relationship issues is hopelessly ineffective. Be prepared, and in fact, start this session with, "I'm sorry." "I'm sorry for making you the source of my distress; and I'm sorry for withdrawing my love appreciation and generosity." When you both can say this with heartfelt meaning then we can get on with the specifics of your drama.

What is it that bugs you about the relationship and about the way the other is 'being' in your relationship? You will need to take turns in this process with the point of it being to allow you to own them and release the other from being wrong. Be careful here! Notice how quickly it will trigger you and them as you begin to revisit the topics that are painful for you. Start each sentence with a past tense,(talk about the past in the past) "I have been making you wrong for; staying out late, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, nagging me, not being interested, financially, sexually, etc., etc., etc." Your partner can respond, "Yes, I know I have felt that. What does it mean to you when I am doing that or am like that?" Then you can express how those things are triggers in your life.

What is a trigger? It is a previous painful, or fearful experience of loss that your auto/protector now uses to react to 'similar' situations in your life. Similar is in quotes because the similarities do not need to be exact, any approximation will do. You will have painted your partner with the same brush as you used to react to your mother, or father, or the Meany down the street. You also use your childhood helplessness and sense of victim hood as part of the triggering equation. You are not a child any longer, but to your auto/protector you will forever be the victim.

When you act like a victim in your relationship then the only role you allow for your partner is unfeeling bully or persecutor. This will not tend to make them sympathetic to your complaint. So, your task is to own the fact that this situation in your relationship triggers you and you are unfairly making your partner your persecutor. Apologize...then let them know that from time to time you may continue to 'react' to this situation and ask for their patience and understanding.

When you have done one or two of your triggers then let your partner have a turn and reverse the roles. If you can do this without further facilitation you will notice a marked improvement in intimacy and respect. If you are still trapped by the feelings of being a victim and upset about the circumstances then you will need the support of a skilled Life Coach. Do not take that to mean you have failed...just about everyone 'needs' support when dealing with their triggers. It's a perfectly normal and natural process. Our auto/protector consciousness is powerful and determined to remain in control of these situations and having a third party who is uninvolved in the drama is often the only way to clear the upset.

Try it out...enjoy the process...and always remember...love the ones you're with, its on the road to salvation...until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day: Being terrified by life events is part of life, finding people to embrace in the face of your fear is a gift, being a person that others can share their burdens with is a life purpose for us all.

An Action YOU can Take...When faced with distress in your relationship know that your partner is feeling it as well. Ask them if they would like to share or listen first and allow them to choose which role. In this way you will have "gone first" by being the first to be ready to 'allow'.

Getting your Relationship Back on Track--What are you Pretending not to Know?

What ARE you pretending not to know? Your auto/protector consciousness, in its infinite wisdom to keep you safe, often uses reasonable deniability, rationalization and fained naivete to keep you from knowing what you know. If the knowledge would be painful then "not knowing" would protect you and the 'small price' of anxiety, depression, and lack of intimacy is worth the effort...or is it?

If you want a good relationship you will need to break the cycle of pretending not to know. You will have to put down the protection of your auto/protector self and allow yourself to re-emerge into a more authentic self aware state. What is going on in your relationship? Ask yourself that and then take a few deep breaths and begin your narrative. (Your little voice may give you a litany of, "how can I know, I trust my spouse, I don't know what he/she is feeling, everything is fine, etc., etc., etc.) The big fear here is that your spouse (lover, significant other) is the way they are because of you! Not so! Your relationship has lost intimacy because one or both of you has quit saying what is true in the moment. You or they have judgements, opinions or feelings that you are afraid to let the other person know about. (Your, or their, little voice is saying, "Well, I don't want to hurt them" but the truth is you don't want to be hurt by their reaction.)

Acknowledge your fear and then proceed on; what is happening in your relationship. Remember when you were a teenager and you saw a couple, you usually knew who was more 'into' the other--didn't you? Well, now you need to look; are you just putting in your time, or are you the one doing all the heavy lifting of the relationship? Is your spouse really wanting to make things better or is he/she oblivious to anything being wrong? Are you dissatisfied with 'things', but feel it doesn't do any good to talk about it, or does your spouse blow you off if you try to bring something up? Do you have a partner who is really willing to resolve the lack of intimacy...are you really willing to do what it takes to rediscover intimacy with your partner?

You can answer all of these questions without any input from your partner. You can also 'know' if you have a partner who is willing to do what it takes to return to real intimacy. (Remembering that if they don't, it is just THEIR fear driving it, NOT YOU!) If you or your partner are simply hanging around waiting for something better to happen you can know that too. The first step in getting your relationship back on track is discovering what track you're really on. Do you have a partner, or do you simply have someone who hasn't left yet? Man up (even if you're a woman) and face the truth and then begin...begin to tell the truth....

If you suspect you don't have a partner any longer then tell them that. Use the example of being a teenager and knowing that most relationships have one or the other who is more into the relationship. Tell them honestly what you would like...then tell them that you know at some level they know that and probably feel guilty because they are not giving it. Then ask them if they would like to rekindle real intimacy and face the real issues that are keeping you two apart. Let them know you expect to hear things you won't like, but that is part of the deal....

Then listen and hear what is beyond their words. If they want to work with you, you will know and if they don't (even if they say they do) you will know that too. Give them some time and yourself some time to let the new reality sink in...what is that new reality?? That you are no longer pretending to 'not know' what you know. Let yourself and them know by your actions that you are ready for real dialogue and unwilling to pretend.

Open the door for yourself and for them to walk through to a new more profound truth and intimacy. Discover in yourself what it is that they are struggling to tell you; or hiding from you...you already know what it is.... Speak from your heart, and stay centered past your anger, fear, and loss...love them for exactly who they are, even when that means they are no longer into you, love yourself and let them go...if they return to the relationship you will know truly how to love the ones you're with...next time we will deal with getting on when BOTH of you want to work on your relationship...until then, I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day: Joy can not exist without pain...intimacy cannot exist without separation...but wholeness of being is always and forever.... You are more than your fear and pain...YOU are love and harmony.

An Action you can Take...As you share your fear and pain with your partner allow yourself and them to know that it is your pain and they do not need to fix it. Own it and own that your shattered expectations are still yours and you will be responsible for your own well being.

Keep On Keepin' On

For most of us that's just what we do; keep on keepin' on. How long should we struggle with the issues that drag at us? If you are
putting up with things; personal image, relationships, career, negative emotions, you may want to ask yourself, " how long has this been going on and how much longer will it continue?" You don't have to live your life settling for half a loaf, you can have the whole shebang.

Life can be vibrant, vivid and intense. You can wake each day looking forward to the adventures and opportunities that await you; or you can keep on keepin' on...your choice. You can settle or you can release your struggles and live with imagination and creativity.

Your journey starts when you recognize the signs of chronic issues. What are you putting up with, what are you struggling with? If you are making little headway take a moment and consider if you want to drag through another day, week, month, or if you're ready to try something new; applying the principles of the Core Paradigm have helped many and it may help you.

Look through the posts here, or drop me a line to larsline@mail.com about the situations you are resigned to and let's see if there are some alternatives to being trapped by them. You've struggled long enough with unhappiness, frustration, unmet needs and desires. I'll either answer you directly or use the letter (identity obscured) to illustrate common traps driven by the auto/protector self in living in today's very fractious world. Remember your fight/flight/freeze reactions are driven to support you; but are stopping you from having the life you would really like. All of the reasons used by your auto/protector won't add up to a single change in your struggle.

I know that you may feel that all the alternatives have been explored and that writing to me is pointless; but what do you have to lose? If your negative relationships, or career, or self image, or anxiety, depression or other has continued, you are faced with more of the same in the coming days. Take a break and let me know just what it is you're facing.

How long have you been overweight, or alone, or anxious or depressed? How long have you been struggling with the spouse, kids, or parents, siblings or boss? How long have you been 'sorta' happy but really not, or putting up with the lack of intimacy in your life; and how much longer will it last? What are you keepin' on keepin' on about, and when will you be ready to open a dialogue? Write to me and let's take a look at how the Core Paradigm can help you see a new way of being with the chronic life struggles you have put up with long enough...open the door to possibilities and love the ones you're with...until then...I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

A Thought for Today: You see whatever you hold as important...if love, kindness, generosity, fairness, and goodwill are important enough to you...you will begin to see examples of these things throughout your day and through out your life....

An Action You can Take...make it so!

The Search for Security and Safety--the Myth

What are we? Human beings...neither strong, nor swift; dull of senses and thin skinned the least of all the animals fit to survive, but survive we did. It's what we do! We seek safety and security or at least our survival consciousness does. It's a life long quest and it begins the moment we're born. We cry out for comfort, nourishment, warmth and the security of our parent's embrace; and when we feel its loss we cry out again. The human child NEEDS more care and support than any other infant mammal on this planet and the relationships we form between our species are critical to our survival. Our tribe was our safety and our security.

Fast forward fifty thousand years or so...the year 2008, life on our planet is safe and secure...for some at least. We have nations and corporations, stock holders and lawyers...we have social structures, strong houses, good friends and we have gangs, war, greed, inequity, poverty, neglect and abuse. We have it all; and through it all we remain driven by our need for security and safety.

We are a fragmented species full of contention and desperate to belong. We form more and more micro alliances and then pit one against the other; and still the need drives us...security and safety. When will it be safe enough for us to lay down our differences and join together as one tribe? No time soon I suspect.

When will Palestine, join hands with Israel? Many will answer the day after hell freezes over. When will Christians embrace Muslims...the day after that. How 'bout the Crips and the Bloods, or the corporate suits and the union reps? Look in your own life and make your own list...who are the good guys and who are the baddies?...and when will it end?

About now, I think, we're all ready to toss in the towel. "It ain't gonna end Larry, it ain't gonna." Really? Then any hope we have of making this a better (safer more secure) world is out the window. If we really want to make a more secure and safe world, (or just be more secure and safe in ourselves) we are going to have to make it safe for all of us; because as long as it isn't safe for some, it isn't safe for any of us.

If you want security, safety and a better tomorrow, then I think its time to focus on including 'the others' (the perpetrators, bad guys, meanies and idiots) back into your life. What that means is, on a personal level, you need to examine where you feel victimized, disenfranchised, miss perceived, and shunned; and embrace those people as one of your own. You need to stop whining about what was done to you, or is being done to you and begin to appreciate what is driving their perceived injustice.

If your little voice is asking, "How can I do that?" right now you can answer it with, "You're asking the wrong question." The question is, "WHAT is it I have to do to be safer and more secure in my world," and the answer is, "I must include...."

What leaves you feeling insecure? Whatever it is allow it to be, surrender your victim hood, stand resolute in your honor, trust in the ultimate wisdom of justice and goodwill, resist only your desires to retaliate and isolate and embrace the fear that drives both you and others to hoard and separate unnecessarily.

This world will never be safe; and security is a myth...no one gets out alive...all we have is each other. It was what we were born to in the distant mists of time; and it is what we must find once again. Stand for all of us, and stand for kindness, love and goodwill between all peoples on this earth. Do not be discouraged by the enormity of this task and do not shirk your place in it's unfolding. Make your life better one gentle kindness, forgiveness, empathy and compassion at a time...love the ones you're with...and embrace them all...until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours...Larry

A Thought for the Day: Pain, fear and loss drive us into our survival consciousness and give us the illusion of being incomplete. You are complete just as you are, in this moment, with all the insecurities you experience...Others wait for your embrace and to embrace you...it is just the way of things.

An Action you can Take...speak to someone you've been afraid to speak to...let them know of your fear and let them know it is not their fault. Tell them you would like to understand them better and then do so. Notice the power you possess is to 'understand'; not make others understand you. (Remember understanding is not agreement and compassion is not approval.)

Who is a Life Coach?

A reader assailed me the other day with promoting Life Coaching as the only way I offered her to provide support. She wrote the following:

"You can try to do that 'alone'; or much more effectively with a Life Coach"

"...contact a Life Coach that can help you open the door to your loneliness"

Dear Larry,
I am a friend of (a friend). I take exception to the above statements, which in my
eyes and to my mind, are quite self-serving on your part. It also does not allow for people
to find other ways, roads, and guides to help them with the alone/lonely issue.

'A new reader'

I am a Life Coach so you will forgive me, I hope, for not clarifying sooner what I mean by seeking life coaches in your life. I use the term life coaching in a generic way to mean anyone who can remain objective when faced with your shift into the survival consciousness I refer to as your auto/protector self.

I believe that most therapist, counselors, mentors, clergy, facilitators and others are life coaches in our society. I support all ways that lead to well being and discourage anything that leaves you bogged down in victim hood. It was always my hope that this blog would eventually catch on and I would be providing these insights and tools to thousands of readers who might benefit from the experience I have had in working with people over the last twenty five years. I always knew that the demand for life coaching would far outstrip any ability I might have to supply direct contact, and so, I wanted a forum that I could provide what I have learned while encouraging people to find coaches within their own circle to support them in achieving the goals they seek.

What I do know is that Life Coaching can take many forms; and while it is not therapy, it can be enormously therapeutic. What I try to impress on people is that when we shift into the auto/protector consciousness we define people in terms of "with us or against us" and we cope. The auto/protector self is seductive and frequently drives those around us into their own fight/flight persona...Having people in your life that can side step that becomes essential. If we are to escape the effects and ineffectiveness that fight/flight behavior heaps upon us we must exit our survival persona...hence the call and plea for you to seek life coaches that can remain compassionate, personal and objective in supporting you through your struggles to survive.

I coach therapist, ministers, counselors and others and in each case I find that the burden of their practice is being seduced by the powerful effects of their clients predicaments. Life Coaching may be perceived as an alternative to therapy, but if I am to believe my therapist clients, it is the way therapist seek to be most effective with their charges. People NEED people, it's just the way we are built. We thrive as social beings. The unique nature of our consciousness demands that we have feedback and support from our peers; especially when faced with our shift into the pain of our survival consciousness, but the ability to remain outside of the drama and seduction of the auto/protector selves of others is a skill we are only beginning to understand in this society.

What I am trying to do here is provide some guide posts for you to confront the chronic issues that bedevil you in your life. I want you to benefit from what I have learned and what I know can assist you to exit the common and frequent pain, fear and loss that too many of us experience in life. I have chronicled some reoccurring themes in my work in the hopes that thousands of people living in pain, frustration, anxiety, depression and self doubt will find knowledge, tools and processes to exit the struggles dogging their lives. If you want me to address something in this format please write me at larsline@mail.com if you want more information on the Core Paradigm and my life work go to www.lifeaftersurvival.com and for the few that would seek me out as their personal life coach I will try to accommodate as time permits...but as always...love the ones you're with and seek your path with love and humanity...until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day: Wherever you are, emotionally, spiritually, financially, personally or socially is simply a fact of this moment. Allow this moment and surrender to its temporal truth, that it is what it is and this too, no matter what, shall pass.

An Action You can Take...Take a look at a situation with which you are struggling and notice who in your life could provide you with support to be okay with it just the way it is. Who could you seek out that would stand with you and allow you to surrender and make peace with the situation? Then do so, being sure to let them know you appreciate their support and not their agreement to your victim hood.

The Miracle of Relationships--Part Three

Part Three--Me, Myself and I

Every relationship you have starts with the relationship you have with yourself. It seems odd to imagine a person having a relationship to themselves; seems an oxymoron, but I doubt any of you would argue that you, in fact, do have a relationship with yourself. Me, Myself and I, three selves? I can't say that for sure, but I can say with complete confidence there are two. One is your auto/protector self, (which always has a two person dialogue...you know the one who just said to you "what dialogue?") and one is your Authentic Self. When you are Authentic it is a singularity; YOU is not in relationship to yourself; 'YOU' is just 'YOU'; BUT when you are in your fight/flight/freeze survival self (the auto/protector self) you compare yourself with others, judge yourself, praise and condemn yourself excessively, and carry on dialogs in your mind about everything.

Your self esteem is a product of this auto/protector self dialogue and your efforts to relate to others are coloured by every insecurity you have about yourself or every over blown opinion. Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have and your job, if you choose to accept it, is to eliminate it from the equation.

Authentically you can't have a relationship with yourself...YOU simply are. 'YOU' is the authentic 'YOU' and the big "I". If you are struggling then your choice is, to be with that struggle until it passes, OR, identify with that struggle as who you are...most of the time we choose the latter. There is very little you can do in a relationship when that relationship is based on fight/flight. When you worry about whether or not you (or they) are good enough, worthy enough, okay enough, or just plain 'enough', you are doomed to live in turmoil and drama. If 'YOU' can reemerge and see the struggle you are having then 'YOU' take the first step of releasing from it.

Mind boggling isn't it? 'YOU' and 'you'; two selves and the foundation for the relationship we have with ourselves. 'YOU' must be aware of 'you', that awareness is the opening for real release of the drama and struggle we find in any other relationship we have. "Who is 'YOU'?" is a nonsensical question, but "who are 'you' to...tell me what to do...to like me...to try that dream...to hope for the best...etc, etc, etc, is how we live most of our lives. The little 'you' of your auto/protector is the self conscious awareness of your triggered and coping fight/flight/freeze personae; and it is not a personae who will make successful loving relationships.

Your work is to 'awaken' to the drama playing out in your psyche. Your opportunity is to 'see' that every negative interaction, insecurity, every drama, misstep and dissatisfying relationship is a function of 'you' getting in the way...if 'YOU' see that clearly, it is the only thing YOU will need to transform the quality of your life. Awareness is the key, and the truth will set you free...Love the ones you're with, especially 'you' and let it be...Until next time, I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...YOU are perfect just the way YOU/you are...life is unfolding just as it should and just as it does...your power comes not from contesting what is, but from being with whatever is and 'choosing' to bring your Authentic curiosity, imagination, kindness, love and generosity to each given moment...or at least allowing yourself to be aware when 'you' can't seem to allow that.

An Action 'YOU' can Take: Start by observing what isn't working in your life and see what it will take for 'YOU' to show up in that situation. What that means is what will it take for 'you' to release from managing the situation and open the space for 'YOU' to re-emerge with unbiased awareness, kindness and generosity...pick something small that you are not too attached to and notice when a new YOU appears; then go on to the next challenge.



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The Miracle of Relationships--Part Two

Part Two--The Significant Others

Who are the significant others? To my way of looking at it, they are all the people who play an important role in your life: Co-workers, bosses, spouse or lover, kids, parents, siblings and friends; these are the second most important relationships in your life. We will deal with the most important relationship in part three of this series, but for now let's take a look at how these other relationships impact our lives.

If you take a moment and look at all your key relationships you may find some of them are problematic. If not, and I hope that is so, you will find that, for the most part, you are a very happy and optimistic person. That is the point of today's post; if all of our important relationships are a source of joy and inspiration; we will be enormously the better for it. Relationships define us. You may wish that they didn't, and your little voice may be telling you that many of those people I have listed aren't important to your life. You may have quit talking to your sister or written off your Dad or resigned yourself to hearing nothing from your adult child; BUT don't be fooled, each of these are important relationships. If you think that the distress of your job or the argument with a co-worker is not important you would be mistaken. Each relationship we have with people close to us affects us more than we may realize.

So, take a moment and assess where you are in your significant others relationships. If you have a chronic problem with any of them it's time to find out what is going on with-in you.

Relationships are where we play out our dramas. Relationships are where we externalize our unhappiness and dissatisfaction. We seek to fill the holes in our lives and cover the pain by having our relationships be what we missed or lost as children. We needed comfort and we got pain. We needed encouragement and we got judged. We needed love and we got disapproval and we needed a mirror of who we are at our best and we got a view of how disappointing we were. We fought the pain and when we went out into the world we sought to correct these things by finding others who would treat us better. We had needs and they would fill them; and when inevitably they don't we are once again in our drama of life.

It is time for you to face that your problematic relationships are a mirror of your losses. If you have problematic relationships, you are struggling with your own daemons. You are seeking results from others that they cannot fulfill..it is time to take stock...breathe deeply and allow yourself to feel your own pain without making it the fault of others. Notice what the problem SEEMS to be, then notice what it is that you want and are not getting from them. Stop...feel the pain of loss...then notice that no one, beyond your parents, is put on this earth for the purpose of filling your needs, (and even their task ends with your maturity). Acknowledge the pain, release them from blame and allow yourself to grieve your loss.

We will learn more about how to release others and truly allow our relationships to soar in the next installment on this series; but for now, allow yourself to withdraw from the blaming, complaining and gossiping of others and be with yourself. Do the impossible...love the ones your with and let them be...until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...YOU are not wrong and perhaps you have done something wrong, YOU are loved and cherished even though you have endured the judgements, slings and arrows of others...YOU is not you...learn the difference.

An Action to Take: Find a situation with a significant other that YOU can apologize for making worse by being triggered. Study as hard as you can to understand and appreciate where the other person is coming from and notice that, while that might not meet your expectations or desires, it is not personal and you are not injured by their needs. Do this once in a while until you begin to feel the power that comes from being in charge of things getting better.

The Miracle of Relationships--a Series

Part One: Getting Along

You know relationships can be great and a source of real strength in our lives, but we don't always seem to get that: "Sometimes we get along and sometimes we don't...it's just the way of life isn't it?"....Yes, and No. Yes we get triggered and cope with each other; and no we don't have to be miserable in our relationships.

Getting along with those you are in relationship with, is really saying being Authentic with those people in your life that are important to you. Getting along is being out of our survival mentality, that I have referred to as your auto/protector self; AND getting along means not having them be the source of your distress.

How can that be? Our relationships are always the source of our distress! Our spouses don't do what we want, our boss is critical, our kids are disobedient, our friends are unwise, our parents...oh my...don't even get me started on that....Now, that I see it more clearly, what could I have been thinking...our relationships are just about the only thing that does trigger us; we have to cope with them, don't we?

Maybe. We want to believe that our relationships are truly the best part of being human. They can be the source of our strength, they can bring meaning to our barren lives, they can give us purpose and bring the best out of us...relationships are the stuff of legends and they are as necessary as breathing to the social animal we call humans. Our relationships are to be cherished and appreciated and embraced. We need to nurture them, and bring our compassion, kindness and understanding to them. Our relationships with those closest to us, are precious and a blessing to our lives...unless they aren't.

Sometimes they aren't...too bad...just the way it is....Maybe it's us, maybe it's them...who knows, but sometimes relationships suck. If we are to look at reality, more than half the time they suck...fifty eight percent divorce rate, kids out of control, sixty five percent of the population unhappy at work and everyone blaming their parents for how they were raised. Once in a while we see some noteworthy relationship, but if truth be told, most of the time relationships on any level just don't seem to work.

If you are struggling in any important relationship you are triggered and coping with that relationship. You are triggered and coping with it not because it is a difficult relationship, but because it reminds you of situations in your past that caused you fear, pain or loss. You are struggling because your perception of the circumstances in that relationship are clouded by your past. You need to wake up from your past fears, pain and loss and see the present for what it really is. That, of course, is far easier said than done.

Now, your little voice, (the one screaming in your head, "what the hell does he know about my horrible situation") may be doubtful that the only problems you have in your relationships are you living in the past and projecting the past into the future, and that's as it should be, but it is none the less, true. Your relationships depend on your exiting your pain and releasing from your fight/flight/freeze mentality. Your relationships and the joy and strength of connection depend entirely on your ability to see the truth in the NOW.

If you are struggling in any relationship; spouse, significant others, kids, parents, boss, co-worker, best friends, etc. you are locked in your own struggle of fear, pain and loss. You would do well to seek guidance from a Life Coach to address this struggle and face the reality of how you are creating the pain in your life. I know your auto/protector is telling you I am wrong, that the real problem is just as you have described it; bad spouse, abusive parent, wild kid, angry boss, etc. and you have all the evidence you will ever need that you are the victim of this situation...BUT...it just isn't so.

You are, at this point in time, the author of this situation and as bad a news as that is, the silver lining is...you ARE the author and as such you have the power to change it and release from it, and transform it to the joy, peace of mind and satisfaction you so desperately seek. You are one minute away from freedom and it begins when you choose to let go of the struggle and seek the counsel of others....Love the one's you're with, it's the beginning of a beautiful life...Until next time, I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...Your drama is the drama you are playing out in the hopes of solving some ancient hurt. Let yourself appreciate that the constant struggle you experience has a familiar feel and that at this point you are the primary suspect in the deal. Be at peace with it until it disappears.

An Action to Take: Try apologizing to someone for being triggered and coping with the situation. Tell them that you know you are not helping the situation because you are triggered and coping and ask them if they would help you understand what is really going on. Let them know that your upset is not about them, but about a situation in your life that you are afraid is happening again; and see if this opens a dialog in your relationship with that person.

Good Morning

Good Morning...wouldn't it be nice if each morning... was good? It can be. It is! Good morning, it's my birthday and it's a lovely morning; light rain showers, glistening leaves, an almost silent drip, drip, drip and peaceful. Is it peaceful or am I? That's really the question isn't it?

When life is full of turmoil; and we are upset isn't the turmoil only turmoil because we say it's turmoil? Yes, life and living is what we make it. Yes, there are moments of violence, death, savagery, and betrayal, but don't we have a role in how we will be with those? I think yes. We do have a role in how we will hold such moments and live with such moments and judge such moments and release such moments. We also have a role in how we choose to be as we move on from those moments.

How are you doing? Have you faced savagery, and betrayal today? While reading this are you in the throes of violence and death? Chances are the answer is no. Right NOW you are sitting quietly reading, the world is going about it's business and you are fine. Your problems, the ones that nag at you, are not present except in your head. You are safe, quietly reading and perhaps the little voice in your head is deafening as it shouts to you, What does he know of my problems. Is his spouse cheating on him, is his child doing drugs, does his boss dump work on him...huh, huh, huh?"

No, I have my own problems, and to me they are just as 'awful' as yours, but for now, as I write this, they are nothing in this moment...and yours can be nothing as well. Take a break, you deserve it. Take a break you need it. Take a break it will renew you and allow you perspective to tackle the problems you must face with renewed vigor and understanding and patience. Take a break and enjoy the day, you won't regret it and you just may find the joy, peace of mind, and happiness that is so illusive in your life.

Learn to be in the moment and to appreciate that bad feelings are 'our feeling', subject to change and subject to release when we are willing to let go and be in the moment. Be well, be happy, be at peace, and love the ones you're with...it's the best thing of all when it's on your birthday...I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...whatever you are struggling with will be easier if you let it go for a time and pick it up fresh the next time you are faced with dealing with it. Deal with your fear of the future and distress of the past by releasing them in the NOW.

An Action You can Take: Call time out; just like when you were a kid. Call time out on your distress and worries...call time out on your depression and anxiety...call time out on your judgements of others no matter who they are and how much they deserve your disdain. When you have done that, stop and breathe...see if you can experience the perfection of the moment and the beauty that is all around you...do this twice today and three times tomorrow.

Coping...and the Auto/Protector Self

Coping, what is coping? we all do it. We all talk about it, "How'ya doin'?" We ask.
"Oh, I'm coping." is often the reply; and it's true, we are.
Coping is what we do when triggered by life events. We cope with the death of a loved one. We cope with the kids, or we cope with our job, parents, illness, or setbacks. We cope all the time; but what is coping?

I've used coping in these posts several times and I mean pretty much what you do when you use it...I mean gettin' on, gettin' on...survivin'. Coping is what we do to survive the dings, and dents of life; but coping is actually more than that. Coping is the tool of our survival, fight/flight/freeze, conscious, mind. Coping is the activity of a triggered and driven individual using the auto/protector part of their consciousness.

The auto/protector self is part of the Core Paradigm I describe in my book, Life after Survival: Consciously Evolving our Consciousness. It is important for us to know and understand that coping is actually driven by a part of our mind that is used when we are faced with fear, pain or loss. Coping is surviving and while that is a good thing it is not a happy thing or satisfying thing. Coping is struggling and interestingly enough coping is the human version of fight or flight.

You should take a little time to read the book, but in a nutshell, coping is what we do in situations that coping just isn't going to work. In the big picture, humans coped with survival in the wild. We had to have a reflexive, reactive portion of our mind that could drive us to use our cunning and reactions to save our lives. As we got more domesticated we continued to use this level of self consciousness (an alternative self) to address the problems we faced in our increasingly complex society...that's where all the problems got complicated.

Just imagine trying to solve your problems by running away or beating them up...oops, you don't have to imagine it, it's what we do. We procrastinate, complain, bully, get anxious or depressed, stubbornly persist in self defeating behaviors, or yell and scream; all in the name of coping. You can create a list of your coping and you will be amazed at how much of it is just modified fight or flight.

Coping with life is surviving life, but not living life. We need to come down from our coping personae if we are to solve almost all of the problems we face as an individual in our present society. Coping with our problems will not solve them. Facing our coping and triggered consciousness is the first step to overcoming the chronic issues we face in life. Get a Life Coach and uncover how coping is running (ruining) your life.

Learn to distinguish when you are coping and live better...love the ones you're with, it's the way to go...I remain. Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...We cope because our auto/protector self says we must...but life only really begins when we lay the weapons of coping down and share our hearts.

An Action to Take...look for triggers and coping in your life and write some of them down until you notice the commonality of the triggers and coping you do in just about any setting you find yourself. Learn to be self revealing about what triggers you and how you cope; and take responsibility that they are your triggers and your coping mechanisms.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right: Part Three: Being Intimate

A Three Part Series: Being Intimate

If you've been following along in this series, then you realize that having someone special in your life starts by knowing, as a deep and meaningful experience, that you are special. You have, or are working on, experiencing your distress about being alone as the fear based consciousness that it is. You are out in your community interacting with everyone you meet and dealing with your feelings as you recognize your fear in social situations...You have begun connecting with people by letting go of your judgements, both about yourself and them, and are now allowing your interest, empathy, and generosity of spirit to guide you in social interactions. In a word you are enjoying people.

If you are doing all these things and you still find yourself alone you have one more barrier to face...being intimate! Being intimate doesn't mean 'sex', it means being visible, transparent, vulnerable and present in the moment with another human being. Intimacy is authentic self expression, which means saying what's true when it's true. Many people think being intimate means saying nice things and sharing precious hallmark moments...and while that can be wonderful it is only a small part of intimacy.

Intimacy is sharing your fears, judgements, and feelings as you experience them without your mask. Sharing is owning these things and allowing others to see them and have their own reaction to them. Intimacy is being in the moment (whatever that moment is) with another person.

What generally stops intimacy is our fear that others will be offended by our opinions, judgements, and feelings, or that too much vulnerability will put us at risk...so we hide. We hide behind our posturing and social veneer and cope with each other instead of connecting.

When you are ready to have someone in your life you will have to face your own vulnerability and allow others to be vulnerable with you. You can start by picking out some of the most attractive people you know and telling them how much you would like to have a 'someone' in your life. Tell them how attractive they are to you. Tell them how you believe it must be easier for them to find special 'someones' and then listen as they share their own fears and insecurities. Ask for their support and reach out to others you find attractive and interesting until you begin to experience a mutuality.

Contrary to your fear that their is no one out there for you; you will find that there are more than you imagined. People want to bond...people want to connect...people want to love and be loved and as you gain confidence and comfort with your intimacy you will find yourself a magnet for people seeking the same...Love the ones you're with, it's all there is....I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for the Day...Confidence is everything in forming relationships...quiet, gentle, vulnerable, confidence and willingness to be present with others and honest with yourself. True confidence is being confident to share how unconfident you feel. Share yourself and your feelings and others will follow.

An Action to Take...Practice your vulnerability by owning your sharing of judgements, opinions, and feelings. You do that by not only sharing your fear, but sharing how it feels to have that fear. Example: "I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing or have nothing to say on a date; and as I see that in myself I feel sad. I think sometimes I'm afraid of my own shadow." It can be a real ice breaker and since it is true (when it is) it is an intimate moment. Practice, practice, practice and you will soon have a full date calendar.

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right: Part Two: Being Social

A Three Part Series:

If you have read part one you have begun the process of facing your "not okay" loneliness. You have realized that being alone is not the same as being lonely. You have begun to appreciate that your loneliness is a product of your fears and beliefs about who you are afraid you are, your fear about how others perceive you and how you are afraid your life will be. You are ready to go out into the world and discover new truths...So let's begin!

You are surrounded by people. You are surrounded by interesting, frantic, insecure, funny, playful, people. So, go out and be interested. Go 'alone' in your own company, as if you have just landed in a far off place and can't wait to see the people and sights and sounds of your new surroundings. Feel your feelings and notice how you allow others to see them or not. Notice how they hide and who is behind the masks as you engage in simple interactions. Notice if you are ready to be approached or if you are ready to approach. Allow yourself the right to be exactly as you are, comfortable, embarrassed, smooth or awkward. Expect nothing and give whatever it is you have to share. (And be surprised at what that may be!) Be a witness to your own experience of being 'not alone' in the company of strangers.

When you have done this a half dozen times, or so, take some stock. How was it? Who is out there in your world? What judgements remain both about you and about 'them'? What are the barriers for you still to release? And most of all, are you enjoying yourself? If not, go do it again ten more times, but this time let yourself enjoy being YOU.

If you are working with a Life Coach you will share these thoughts with them. If you have friends you confide in...then do! When you are ready, join your friends and acquaintances in activities that interest you or challenge you and begin to allow yourself to be part of your community. Look to see what allows others to connect and what stops them. Notice when you stifle your self expression and comment on that to whomever will listen. Notice what others need and what you bring to the table and share your bounty whenever it is your time. When you absolutely have nothing to say; be amazed and say that..."I have nothing to say or add and it can only be because of how afraid I am to share." Watch as others share with you when that happens for them. Discover that your 'condition' is the human condition and we all can relate. Begin to find your rhythm in social interaction and before your eyes you will begin to create intimacy.

Intimacy will be the third installment of this post. So, socialize with anyone and everyone in your world and discover YOU in the bustle of everyone frantically trying to connect...Expect nothing, give of yourself and accept whatever you wish...Love the ones you're with...it's the best within us...I remain...Respectfully Yours, Larry

Thought for Today...The fantasy that we are alone is a fiction created by our fear to keep us from being hurt. Human beings are social animals we need each other to thrive...Your story just exactly like it is...is precious and valuable and important for us to know.

An Action to Take: Today's post was all about actions to take, but the most important one is the next one you take after you complete reading this. Close your computer go outside and notice all the possibilities to interact; walk to the park, talk to a neighbor, buy something small, give someone directions who seems lost, etc., etc., etc. Go see that you are not alone!

Finding Mr. or Ms. Right: Part One: Being Alone

A Three Part Series

Sometimes being alone isn't just 'being alone', sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes being alone is a statement about us, it means we are flawed in someway because if we weren't we would have someone in our lives. Sometimes being alone is empty, hopeless, and desperate and we find ourselves coping with it in "oh, so many ways."

If you are coping with being alone or being lonely you are 'really' not alone. Millions of us struggle with the issues of relationship. Some people feel more alone IN a relationship than when they were looking for one. If you are seeking a relationship, someone to love and someone to love you, YOU ARE NOT ALONE; but that is little solace as you go quietly to your empty house.

If you are alone against your will, i.e. looking but not finding and feeling frustrated at times with your 'alone-ness condition' we should ask the simple question: "Why are you alone?" Your answers to this question will not be of particular value in their content, but they will be very revealing of the process in which you find yourself. "Why are you alone and not loving it?"

Some of the answers my clients have had, include, "All the good ones are already taken"; "I haven't found the right one yet", No one wants a built-in family", "I'm not attracted to the people who are attracted to me", "People judge me on my looks before they get to know me" and "I just don't meet enough people". There are many others as well, from "I'm too shy" to "Its too hard to really get to know someone." Maybe you're 'too busy' for a relationship, or your finances are too good or too poor; whatever it is you've got 'reasons' for the 'why' of being alone.

Now, if you've read this far and the little voice in your head is starting up with, "What's wrong with being alone. I sometimes think I prefer it that way." you are well triggered and coping. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being alone; date when you want, or socialize however you choose; but being alone against your will is an emotional roller coaster with far more downs than ups.

The truth is we rationalize, defend, despair, and agonize and still we find ourselves alone; what is there to do? The answer is simple, "learn the difference between being alone and being lonely." If you are alone that is simply a statement of fact for that moment only. If you are lonely, that is a condition of your past and fear of your future. Being trapped in the struggle of finding Mr. or Ms. Right is being trapped in the drama of your fight/flight/freeze conscious mind.

If you are being injured by your state of 'alone-ness', then your conscious survival mind is fighting that battle on your behalf. Take heart, because facing your loneliness is on the road of finding the someones with which to share your life.

Step one of finding Mr. or Ms. Right is facing your loneliness and embracing your life as a single person in our society. You can try to do that 'alone'; or much more effectively with a Life Coach. You are not alone except by fear driven choice. Coming to appreciate that fact will free you to begin your journey in earnest, as you discover the right people or person with which to share your life.

You are alone right now AND it is the opportunity of a life time to discover YOU. The big miraculous YOU of your Authentic Self. Take the first step in your journey by facing your loneliness; contact a Life Coach that can help you open the door to your loneliness and free you to discover the gift you are in this world and to this world. Learn the truth that to, "Love yourself is to allow those around you to find it easier and easier to express the love they have for you." If you fight this battle 'alone' then be prepared to lose. You are not alone and your fears that you are are the only things standing in your way...We will look at connecting with others in part two of this series; but for now...Love the ones you're with, it's all any of us can do...I remain, Respectfully yours, Larry.

Thought for the day...You are alone in exactly the way we all are...Uniquely separate in your own point of viewing this universe. You are the vessel for your gift and the expression of that gift. You are precious and valued for being just as you are.

An Action to take: Notice when you are feeling distressed about not having a life partner and ask yourself what that means about you. Write down your answers taking a moment to appreciate the fear and loathing contained in them...and then, as you burn, rip or crumple up the paper, acknowledge the truth; "You are loving and lovable as much as you allow"...Choose this moment to love being you.... Repeat this each time you find yourself triggered by being alone...then get out into the world and love the ones your with...whoever that may be...butcher, baker, candlestick maker.

R U OK...Self Esteem/Self Image

There's few things harder on you than...you! When we have negative thoughts and judgements about ourselves it becomes the quickest way to experiencing the worst of life's emotions. Self judgement is so painful that we will often not see it as the problem it really is. We will deny, defend, rationalize and project in order to avoid facing the judgements we are afraid are true about us. If your spouse or boss is critical ( or anyone for that matter) you may find yourself defending yourself, justifying your actions (or inaction's), or attacking them as a way of deflecting the criticism that has hit 'too close to home'.

What does that mean, 'too close to home'? Does it mean that they're right? NO, it means they are pointing at something you are AFRAID is true about you. It might be an area your parents harped on, or something you judged wasn't okay about you; but whatever it is that you 'react' to...it's ultimately YOUR self judgement.

What's wrong with you? Let's take stock. What criticisms make you, at least, a little defensive? Take a moment, reflect on this, (writing them down would be good) and then look to see if you have a judgement about yourself in this area. If it hurts at all...YOU DO! Next look at yourself and reflect on what you like and don't like about your person, your image...what do you NEED to improve? When you've done this then determine what parts of your personality are problematic and what you SHOULD do to be better. Now, you have most or all of the judgements you make about yourself.

The above activity may be difficult because part of your consciousness is aimed at protecting you from these painful opinions you have formed about yourself. You may want to deny that you think something is not okay, but for the sake of this experiment give yourself a chance to look. Why? Because self judgement and negative self image will stop you from having what you want faster than anything on earth.

So, take a look and then begin to appreciate that everything you see that is not pleasing about you is simply your effort to protect yourself. If you are overweight; protection, stubborn; protection, lazy; protection, hostile; protection, depressed; protection, etc,. etc., etc. R U OK? The answer is a resounding 'YES'; but not until it becomes YOUR answer.

You are perfect just as you are, including your need to protect yourself. Yes, defending yourself can be a pain in the butt to most of us; but YOU (The big YOU) is not. Your "coping" (read reactive, defensive personae) may be unpleasant to others and to yourself, but that doesn't make you any less perfect. I will be going into the nature of 'coping' in future articles. but for now you can take it on faith that 'coping', not your essence, is the problem of your negative self esteem.

I hope you will begin to appreciate that your "shortcomings" are not YOU, they are just the fight/flight/freeze protective reactions that you have adopted from childhood. Seek Life Coaching when necessary to help you release from these pernicious reactions, but never forget...YOU are truly OKAY! You are a child of the universe and you belong here...You have a brilliant and unique gift that this world is richer for having...allow that to emerge and allow yourself to feel the authentic emotions of saddness, fear and loss. You will soon find new measures of peace and contentment as you face and release from your self protective reactive behaviors and begin to feel the power of your emotional life. You may want to seek support and I encourage you to do so, but always remember...love the ones you're with and enjoy the ride...I remain Respectfully Yours...Larry

Thought for the Day...comparing yourself to others is a surefire way to end up in the dumps. Begin to cultivate appreciation of others, empathize with them, respect their trials and tribulations, and begin to notice that you are doing the same for yourself...Be in service to others until you see that you are really in service to yourself.

An Action YOU can Take: I have suggested today's action in today's article. Write down some of the negative judgements you have about yourself and one by one see how these issues are really issues of self protection. Notice how you have identified with certain ones of these and begin the process of dis-identifying by stating, "That is not who I am, it is what I am doing out of fear, pain and loss I have experienced in life." Don't just say this DISCOVER THE TRUTH OF IT FOR YOURSELF!

Having What You Want by Wanting What You Have

You know, people are always saying "Let go", Take what you get", "You're okay the way you are", "Be in the NOW", and dozens of other cliches that are easier to give as advice than to put into practice in our lives. The title of today's article is one of those; "Want what you have!"

"Yeah, easy for you to say, but you try livin' with cancer, past due bills, screaming bosses, nagging spouses...etc., etc, etc."

Yeah, I get it, it ain't easy; and yet, who said living with joy, peace of mind, happiness and well being was going to be easy? The paradox of all this is when we're in the flow and things are going our way it IS easy. Living with goodwill, love, generosity of spirit, and openness is the easiest of all; but getting there often seems completely undo-able...AND IT IS!

It's undo-able because living with happiness, peace of mind, serenity, and self awareness is a state of BEING, not DOING. Wanting what you have is another way of saying "Accept what is" for as long as it IS. In this way you are BEING in the moment and allowing yourself to be a part of the flow of life. It's scary! It's like jumping into a raging river and our survival instincts tell us we're crazy for even contemplating it! And Yet, it is precisely that leap into the flow of life that we must make.

Your problems are not as a result of you being swept down this ragging river, but your attempts to dam it up. Your problems are created by you trying to swim up stream and by trying to fight every swirl and eddy you find yourself in. Life is a dynamic exciting flow of moment after moment and when we attempt to hang on to the past or manage the future we fail to experience the raging moments of NOW that are the only life and only reality we have.

Yes, cancer, or death of a loved one, etc. is hard, and each of us has our own cross to bear, but the truth is, life is both full of joy and heartache; and our salvation will come only when we are willing to own what we have in this moment. Each moment is fleeting and the next moment will be new and different (and better) if we will allow it...So, go forth and embrace the life you have with the certain knowledge that as you become good at being in the NOW You will BE the miracle of a human BEING. Want whatever it is that you have, surrender to the light, and make peace with your complaints as you seek to bring your gift of being to all who surround you...Love the ones you're with...until next time, I remain, Respectfully Yours, Larry....

Thought for the day...To know that you don't care for something, or hate something, or want a thing or person to be different is a wonderful awareness...to make yourself miserable and those around you the same because of it, is the tragedy of living too many of us make.

An Action you can Take: Notice the next time you don't like something and find two or three different ways to say that, that will make it a statement about YOU not a statement about it or them. Example: Your boss is irritated with you for something you didn't do. You say, "I really get irritated when someone accuses me of anything really...it's a quirk I have." or "I really feel picked on when I'm singled out for blame, especially when it isn't my fault...I'm very sensitive that way." Notice if you want to add, " Anyone would be..." as that is justification and you never need to justify yourself to anyone.